Wednesday, September 4

Hilarious eBay VHS Listing of the Week... (Maybe Year!)

While perusing Facebook, I came across this strange listing for the worthless and beat copy of the Thorn EMI's VHS of The Return of the Living Dead pictured and felt the priceless description complete with insanely off-kilter plot outline needed to be saved here for posterity. Read on to have your brain thoroughly fried... (pics of a totally baffled Ernie, Freddy, and Bert added by me)

"This movie was purchased from a collector who knows his collections. The tape cover is worn but it is the original cover for this movie. THIS IS A COLLECTOR'S ITEM. ONLY THOSE WHO COLLECT AND APPRECIATE CLASSIC FILM WILL APPRECIATE THIS ONE-TIME DEAL. The value of this VHS at one time was $79.95. It is listed on the front cover. The cover is old and obviously so. It is a Hemdale Film Production and leading stars include CLU Gulager, James Karen, Don Calfa, The directors and others are listed at the top of the VHS cover. Listed under Thorn EMI HBO Video. no. 0004634 H0748.

The story: This tale begins where the classic Return of the Living Dead left off. Running time: 91 Mins. color but the scenes look black and white. The Movie claims that the story is true. Dated 1984. Color quality not so keen as today’s color. This is about the St. Louis Medical School event. I noticed the video quality is OK, a few lines scanning the screen here and there but not severe.

These weirdos are collecting dead skeletons and dead people for military and medical school testing. Wow. Includes the classic attire and people. Takes me back to the good years when humans were really human. This movie sets the scene for The Return of the Living Dead – These people tell the truth about what the Night of the Living Dead really entailed. It was not about zombies, it was about experiments that had gone awry. At this new place there is bodies in this steel container prepared for experimental procedures. Wow. They look like zombies to me. The first introduction says this is a true story but it certainly hard to believe.

This is not my style of movies but it certainly peeks some interest. I would like to know how the military turned dead people into the living dead. Now there is a group of groovy kids cruising in a convertible. They were shown twice in the scenes. Wonder what their lot in life will end at? They are going to hang out at a cemetery. I think they are making a huge mistake. Meanwhile back at the lab, old doc and this young man wake up from a Lights Out. They must have come in contact with something bad because they wake up sick and I don’t think they intended to take a nap. The dead people are gone! Where are they? Oh no. The dog is sick now too. That is sad. When they turn over the dog one side of him is missing but the dog is still whining. Not. This is not a true story. Can’t be.

Anyway the doc and his amigo have a panic attack and start crying like babies. Something went wrong. No cops though. If you call the cops on the army, you might as well betray Hitler or some Gangster. So they call the boss. At the cemetery these kids are hanging out, smoking and talking about the most horrible ways to die. This movie must be rated R, this broad is taking off her shirt so beware. Never mind, Rated X, she stripped naked dancing on someone’s grave. She won’t be acting so stupid I guess when those Living Dead come alive and make her out of chicken soup. At the shop – the doc and his buddy brings in another guy to explain what is going on. The living dead are in the background acting like they forgot to die. True story – I don’t buy it for a minute but OK. Here comes the dead. Naked as a jailbird ready to eat the doc. Doc is driving a stake in his head now and he is hollering like a baby. Now they are cutting off his head and this headless guy gets up running around like a chicken with his head cut off.

This is not a true story. IF this is a true story I will sell the Golden Gate to you all for free. Vintage – this is vintage because they simply do not make movies like this anymore. Lines are flowing across the screen here and there suggesting that the video needs some adjustments but there is nothing major wrong. Overall the video quality is good to fair. Or maybe Very Good if you like that old classic video quality."



Matthew St. Cyr said...

Awesome. I saw this listing too...but I didn't read the item description at the time. Good find!

TEOS said...


Anthony1138 said...

This listing reads like it was written by Tommy Wiseau... Imagine if this plot outline was actually filmed by Wiseau, it would easily be the best worst movie of all time. Someone needs to start a petition to get it made.

Unknown said...

Wow. That may be the strangest, funniest thing I've read all day. Oh ebay... Thanks for sharing!

Slaughter Film said...

This is great! - Cory

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you guys are having fun over my Ebay listing. People are asking me to leave it like it is and start writing horror movie reviews. I have for the first time had more fun than ever selling on Ebay with this ad myself. Thanks guys! you dare tread upon the staircase?

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