Hilarious eBay VHS Listing of the Week... (Maybe Year!)

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While perusing Facebook, I came across this strange listing for the worthless and beat copy of the Thorn EMI's VHS of The Return of the Living Dead pictured and felt the priceless description complete with insanely off-kilter plot outline needed to be saved here for posterity. Read on to have your brain thoroughly fried... (pics of a totally baffled Ernie, Freddy, and Bert added by me)

"This movie was purchased from a collector who knows his collections. The tape cover is worn but it is the original cover for this movie. THIS IS A COLLECTOR'S ITEM. ONLY THOSE WHO COLLECT AND APPRECIATE CLASSIC FILM WILL APPRECIATE THIS ONE-TIME DEAL. The value of this VHS at one time was $79.95. It is listed on the front cover. The cover is old and obviously so. It is a Hemdale Film Production and leading stars include CLU Gulager, James Karen, Don Calfa, The directors and others are listed at the top of the VHS cover. Listed under Thorn EMI HBO Video. no. 0004634 H0748.

The story: This tale begins where the classic Return of the Living Dead left off. Running time: 91 Mins. color but the scenes look black and white. The Movie claims that the story is true. Dated 1984. Color quality not so keen as today’s color. This is about the St. Louis Medical School event. I noticed the video quality is OK, a few lines scanning the screen here and there but not severe.

These weirdos are collecting dead skeletons and dead people for military and medical school testing. Wow. Includes the classic attire and people. Takes me back to the good years when humans were really human. This movie sets the scene for The Return of the Living Dead – These people tell the truth about what the Night of the Living Dead really entailed. It was not about zombies, it was about experiments that had gone awry. At this new place there is bodies in this steel container prepared for experimental procedures. Wow. They look like zombies to me. The first introduction says this is a true story but it certainly hard to believe.

This is not my style of movies but it certainly peeks some interest. I would like to know how the military turned dead people into the living dead. Now there is a group of groovy kids cruising in a convertible. They were shown twice in the scenes. Wonder what their lot in life will end at? They are going to hang out at a cemetery. I think they are making a huge mistake. Meanwhile back at the lab, old doc and this young man wake up from a Lights Out. They must have come in contact with something bad because they wake up sick and I don’t think they intended to take a nap. The dead people are gone! Where are they? Oh no. The dog is sick now too. That is sad. When they turn over the dog one side of him is missing but the dog is still whining. Not. This is not a true story. Can’t be.

Anyway the doc and his amigo have a panic attack and start crying like babies. Something went wrong. No cops though. If you call the cops on the army, you might as well betray Hitler or some Gangster. So they call the boss. At the cemetery these kids are hanging out, smoking and talking about the most horrible ways to die. This movie must be rated R, this broad is taking off her shirt so beware. Never mind, Rated X, she stripped naked dancing on someone’s grave. She won’t be acting so stupid I guess when those Living Dead come alive and make her out of chicken soup. At the shop – the doc and his buddy brings in another guy to explain what is going on. The living dead are in the background acting like they forgot to die. True story – I don’t buy it for a minute but OK. Here comes the dead. Naked as a jailbird ready to eat the doc. Doc is driving a stake in his head now and he is hollering like a baby. Now they are cutting off his head and this headless guy gets up running around like a chicken with his head cut off.

This is not a true story. IF this is a true story I will sell the Golden Gate to you all for free. Vintage – this is vintage because they simply do not make movies like this anymore. Lines are flowing across the screen here and there suggesting that the video needs some adjustments but there is nothing major wrong. Overall the video quality is good to fair. Or maybe Very Good if you like that old classic video quality."

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Wizard Video Big Box Re-releases sellin' like wildfire on eBay! (well, not so much)

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C'mon people, you're wasting big money on dirt mall finds...

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Don't get me wrong, I'm not against buying tapes online or paying substantially for true quality, but the increasing prevalence of total auction blowouts such as these on beat-up junk is baffling. Some tapes are beginning to be harder to find; however, it's still not that hard to hunt down great pieces in much better shape for much cheaper. Either these are shady bid bumping by the sellers or dumb pride driving bidders into wars over tapes I'd have a tough time spending a fraction of these ridiculous prices on. I hope the winners find that it was worth it somehow...

Midnight (1982) - TDK Super Video Japan VHS

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Even though I totally ripped apart eternal self-promoter John Russo's languid Midnight (thoughts here), written and directed by John Russo and based on a novel by John Russo, I couldn't resist the amazing condition of this rare Japanese slipbox. Complete with the usually discarded information pamphlet and survey card. Big thanks to terror fantastic over on eBay for the opportunity to snag this awesome tape!

Awesome Vestron BURIAL GROUND Pen and Pad on eBay...

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Too rich for my blood, but this promotional item definitely rocks!

Strangeland (Net Killer) (1998) - "Taiwanese Import" DVD

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As you probably already know, one of my utterly life-wasting pastimes is perpetually rooting around for flat-out weird releases of particular horror movies I've adopted as "pets". I figure years from now these oddball discs and tapes will be at least interesting curiosities for fans like myself. Dee Snider's mostly forgotten and somewhat groundbreaking Strangeland is one of the muses that I try to keep tabs on.

Back in the infancy of BoGD, I wrote this about the flick: "Snider's inaugural foray into silver screen horror both as star and writer is a commendable trainwreck. The rocker's heart seems in the right place as he constructs an individualized killer around himself....before the likes of Feardotcom and Cry Wolf, Snider seems to beat everyone at including naive teens facing grave consequences with the perils of the Internet in a straight horror film. Howdy uses an instant messaging program similar to AIM under a stolen account prowling "Teen Chat" for prey to invite to a party/dungeon basement with torturous hook and spike."

I still find merit in Snider's contribution to the genre, so finding this DVD last week for four bucks on eBay was a pleasant surprise. It's more-or-less pure bootleg masked as being from Hong Kong or as the seller thought Taiwan. This one typifies how disc bootleggers seemed to try harder in the past with factory pressed media and full color professional sleeves. Most "theater fresh" dupes I run across at swap meets nowadays are on shitty DVD-Rs with wonky cover cut-outs from a crap printer running out of ink.

The picture quality is what you'd expect; horrible, and has burnt Chinese subtitles over the bottom (don't think it's from a VCD though). The film appears to be the same 85 minute version found on Artisan's DVD aside from the title card replaced with "NET KILLER". The black front cover contrasts well with the white case the disc arrived in. BUTTMUNCH alone made it worth the price...

Boobs on Halloween, or mislabeled eBay items rock!

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While digging around eBay last week this tape of Gary Graver's One Million Heels B.C. listed as "One Million Years B.C." was won and I proceeded to nearly shit a brick formed of rainbow-swirled happiness. I'm always poking around for items to feed my dangerous obsession with Michelle Bauer, the lingerie girl with the chainsaw down on the sidebar, so this was an awesome find for $4.98 shipped(!) that arrived today.

The tape seems to be from the United Kingdom on the "Hollywood Scream Queen" label. If it was a truly British release (the BBFC's database has no record of the film), the playback would be PAL format, but the tape is in NTSC. Maybe the Brit sleeve was simply reused for a U.S. cassette since most wouldn't notice or care anyway. Or the BBFC's 18 logo and markings were "borrowed" for the same reason. I'm suspecting this is probably self-released by the film's production company, American Independent Productions. The IMDB lists a 35 minute runtime instead of the hour long indication on the cover. I'll have to gladly investigate further...

(finally home next to Michelle's magnum opus, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers!)

Stagefright: Aquarius (Deliria) (1987) - CIC Video/Pioneer Japan LaserDisc

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This beautiful Japanese Laser arrived today, but the mail decided to apparently use the package as a frisbee and ding a portion of the bottom edge. Although considering the price and hoops that the postal office presents with damage claims, it is what it is. Otherwise the cover, disc, and insert are in great condition. Michele Soavi's Euro-dipped slasher debut has an odd way of finding me. I probably have about ten different editions across various formats spanning the globe so far...

(notice the flow chart, many Japanese LD inserts break down the story this way!?)

Well, since I didn't win last night...

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I was keeping this acquisition quiet until the outcome of this auction last night. That release is the "mate" to this tape, Asuku Video's 1994 Cannes Premiere version VHS of Dawn of the Dead (1978). Erroneously dubbed the "Director's Cut", this 139 minute cut was a still work-in-progress that debuted at the 1978 festival as Romero toiled in the editing room to finally craft his 127 minute theatrical director's cut.

The tape in that auction, which I ultimately didn't win, is Asuku's 117 minute European version helmed by Dario Argento (called the "Selected Version" in Japan). As you can see, the cover is inverted compared to the Cannes cut with a black foil background and silver lettering. Would have looked great together, but what can ya do? To be honest, I've never really cared for Argento's cut anyway. The missing chunks and score alterations always pull me out of the experience. Anywho, the awesome cover seems incredibly fragile. The foil side already has creasing along the spine and some minor wrinkling in spots that look almost like tinfoil. The edges are very delicate as well. The reverse cover is on non-glossy "flat" cardboard. I'm fairly certain these tapes were released in conjunction with Bandai/Emotion's '95 "PERFECT COLLECTION" LaserDisc set (seen here).

(w/ Victor's theatrical version VHS)

(reverse cover)

GPOY J-VHS: The Deuce...

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New arrivals, Antonio Margheriti's Alien from the Deep (Alien degli abissi) (1989) and Mario Caiano's Nazi Love Camp #27 (La svastica nel ventre) (1977). Big Thanks go to the ever-reliable terror-fantastic over at eBay and the great Japanese VHS Hell for the opportunity to snag these awesome tapes!

Possible Explanations Behind Last Night's DEMON QUEEN Insanity...

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• Rob Zombie needed it for his walk-in closet horror VHS collection.

• Director Donald Farmer made a pact with Satan and obtaining an original VHS copy was the only way to break the unholy bond.

• Despite being the "one", there was a contract stipulation stating The Highlander needed it to finally earn "the prize".

• It was confused with Marilyn Monroe's sex tape. (actually, scratch that)

• Michael Bay needed one to blow up in the upcoming Bad Boys III: Shit Just Got Real.

• The "stars" of this abomination are out to destroy all known copies by any means necessary.

• Those damned lucky sperm hipsters...

• Fuckin' magnets...

• Vinz Clortho required it for The Coming of The Destructor.

• Demon Queen was a massive hit in the alternate dimension of shadow people, so the forces beyond mystically hijacked Donald Trump's eBay account to acquire a copy.

• Someone took the whole "Watch Horror Movies, Keep America Strong!" mantra a bit too literally...

• *BoGD EXCLUSIVE*: Peter Jackson bought it to study for his 2013 remake!

Rambo (First Blood Part II) (1985) - SUPER SERIES II - 1985(?) Pioneer LDC Japan LaserDisc

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Yet another Buy It Now eBay grab that was the cheapest out of a seller's LDs. This was $13 shipped versus $25+ for other non-import, non-kick ass flicks. This release doesn't feature Pioneer's logo anywhere on the cover or disc and simply states "Manufactured by Laserdisc Corporation, Distributed by Pioneer Electronic Corporation Japan." The gold audio stickers are on the outer plastic sleeve and it's mind-boggling to think this release originally cost $100USD at the current exchange rate. Also digging around I've seen this release with a "longways" side Obi compared to this one's "corner" Obi. Japanese graphic art designers certainly have a way of making everything seem like a do-or-die must see!

Doing the eBay shuffle...

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Has the following song 'n dance ever happened to you?

1) A few days before the auctions end, you find a guy whose obviously selling off an entire personal collection of crap. In my case, around five hundred LaserDiscs that ended in sequential order alphabetically starting around 8 p.m. EST last night. Each starting at $4.99. It's on like Donkey Kong.

2) After discovering the bounty you throw everything and anything of interest on your Watch List. And over the course of the days spent waiting you dig around eBay and the 'net whittling down the wants to the very essence of what you perceive as needing. I initially tossed about thirty discs on my list and began shedding listings left-and-right in a myriad of questions and ponderings. Do I really need another copy of this? Is the movie really worth it? This one looks a little damaged. There's other copies on eBay for not much more.

3) Despite this dumping to choose your battles wisely, you're figuring it's going to be LaserDisc Shopping Spree Starrcade 2011. The seller combines shipping and is offering free shipping on five or more LD auction wins. Do you know that means? All competitors should just go to Africa and be trampled by raging elephants.

4) As the twilight hour draws nearer during the last day, your unchanging watched auctions suddenly encounter...other fucking bidders. Dammit. Suddenly, more-and-more of the LaserDiscs are finding bidders and becoming anxious you start to question the remaining on your Watch List. Do I really need that Japanese Highlander 2: Director's Cut? That super rare A.I.P. Video laser of Demon Possessed? A slightly worn copy of John Woo's The Killer from Japan without its OBI?

5) To add insult to injury, you see a few you were interested in blow past reasonable price levels. Highlander 2 is wretched away at over $30 and Demon Possessed isn't mine at nearly $40. Dammit, that's it, time to heave the Hail Mary pass...

6) In a final scorched earth effort, you release the hounds upon the one listing you favored most all along. With steely determination and echoes of Ernest's assertion that "they're not gonna get this camp", you lay down your own insane maximum bid on one listing despite originally having such high hopes of domination. Come hell or high water, screw the bills, screw eating for the next week, I shall crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the women!

You're damn straight I won (for much less than my max bid). And Raw Deal is called GORILLA in Japan.
How badass is that!

Mangiati vivi! (Eaten Alive!) (1980) - 1997 EC Entertainment Dutch LaserDisc

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Behold! One of all-time most wanted LDs of Umberto Lenzi's first answer to Cannibal Holocaust, Eaten Alive. Thanks to Mike Keel over at Bootleg Horror for the opportunity to grab this! I included EC's Deluxe Collector's Edition and Shriek Show's censored cover DVDs below. Nothing is on the gatefold's back for those curious.
Check out the back cover here.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988) - 1992 Midnite Movies Hawaiian(?) VHS

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The more I dig around to find details on this VHS of Fred Olen Ray's career masterstroke, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, the odder it becomes. Midnite Movies released tapes in the Netherlands that found their way throughout Europe. The Abomination was catalog #MM01 and Ozone: Attack of the Redneck Zombies was #MM02. This tape is "MM003" (extra zero?); the only problem is there's no dual Dutch/English text on the back (just English), no ratings stickers, and the tape is NTSC (or playable in North American decks).

The large clamshell coverart actually resembles the British Colourbox clamshell art, seen here at VideoCollector.uk, with many subtle differences. The back has the most interesting alterations. The box with the BBFC18 rating instead has Midnite Movies' howling wolf logo. The Colourbox square logo to that box's right is missing. The copyright information in the bottom right hand on the Midnite Movies edition corner lacks Fred Olen Ray's name after "COPYRIGHT © 1988". The Colourbox has a "PACKAGING COPYRIGHT" of 1988 while the MM states 1992.

Otherwise, the MM back is identical save for "Special Uncut Edition" in pink replacing "Colourbox Presents..." across the top edge. Also the UK VHS as well as Camp Motion Picture's 1988 US VHS begin with "Camp Motion Pictures in Association with..."  before "American-Independent Presents" on the front cover's bottom credits. As you can see, the Camp Motion mention is completely absent on this Midnite Movies front cover. Strangely enough the tape opens with their logo just like the official CMP release. I'm only saying this release is Hawaiian because it arrived from an eBay seller based in the sparsely-populated Makawao. Seems funny such a thing would be there of all places to begin with...  

So why no proper scan? The original case had some nasty dried mold which I carefully cleaned from the paper before chucking that case in the trash. The replacement case has a enforced spine making every cover removal risky, it was hard enough inserting, so I'm not going to tempt fate. I have no idea what the deal is on this one's origins, but it's a pretty badass bootleg if that's the case!          

Follow-up: The Devils Japanese Bootleg and thoughts on the flick...

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Originally I was going to pop this into the comments section on the initial entry about this shady boot, but since this has garnered healthy attention, a follow-up is in order. Before anything else, thanks must go to Jack J. over at the always informative En lejemorder ser tilbage for spreading the word on his several blogs and video-related forums. Thanks again!

In short, the deception of the outer packaging carries through on the tape. Even when rewinding the VHS all the way to the leader, there is nothing but clean video black before the feature begins. No flickering, rolls, or blue screens that might indicate the starting of a recording from another source (like a DVD player). There's nothing but black, Tokuma Video's logo, Japanese title screen, and then the film starts. There's zero "digitalness" or other anomalies to indicate something is amiss throughout The Devil's ninety minutes. Just like the Japanese VHS, the film is presented in dubbed English, a murky widescreen ratio, and has Japanese subtitles in the bottom black bar with English opening credits. 

After the credits, there's two Japanese text screens and blackness until the end of the cassette. The tape is also a T-105, so there's very little left on the reel after the standard play-recorded film ends. You'd think a sloppier bootlegger might have been lazy and used a lengthier blank or a faster (and poorer) recording speed. Nope, not here, just like the real thing.

As for the Taiwanese The Devils (on-screen title: The Devil), it's in-line with early '80s Hong Kong slimers such as Centipede Horror (1984) and Calamity of Snakes (1983). Basically an excuse to gross out audiences with actors spitting up green bile and real live slithery creatures from their mouths in violent, leeringly shot death sequences. The "other" stuff comprising the ambling plot is mostly a chore, not helped by an annoying boy nicknamed "Ding-Dong" acting as comic relief, to get to the next wormy regurgitation.

A deceivingly suave con artist, dubbed in English with a British accent (?!), weds the daughter of a wealthy Inn owner in order to, well, it's obvious. After the honeymoon bliss ends; the man reveals himself to be a real asshole, steals all the assets, and provokes his wife's father into a fatal coronary amidst a heated confrontation. Now its up to the mystic auntie of the family to place a disastrous hex on the murderer, but she's first visited by the mutilated spectre of a girl that's been haunting the man...

Despite the presence of worms, snakes, and eels as the agents of internal doom, The Devil mostly reminded me of the much more recent Art of the Devil (2004). Like that Thai exercise in gore, the wafer-like exposition is bathed in a sunny, ever-idyllic representation of contemporary living. Upon night fall, things detour into a harsh contrast of grisly body melts, poisonings, and stake burnings. Then we're back to an almost IKEA catalog photo of life, even when the con man is revealed in all his filthy glory. It's not a hidden classic; however, it's an interesting early snapsnot of what scared audiences in the Far East. Gorehounds might be disappointed as the disgusting downfalls only count for four sequences out of the runtime.

I'm awaiting a reply from the U.S.-based eBay seller on the tape, but I might end up keeping it. The amount paid for the tape equals about what one would pay for a DVD-R copy anyway. And of course this is a much cooler bootleg than a simple disc and it's provided a wealth of information that'll hopefully help others as well. Although things would be MUCH different if I paid around the top end of what the real VHS usually commands...

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Attention Online Tape Buyers: Beware of Very Clever Japanese VHS Bootlegs...

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which is real and which fake...?

Well, this is a new one. After randomly popping in on the Horror VHS listings on eBay last week, this sought-after Tokuma Video VHS of The Devils (Xie Mo, 1981) was staring back for $20 shipped as a Buy It Now. That's chump change for this particular tape as its one of those "certain titles" that seems to be on every Japanese VHS collector's priority want list. The stateside big box from Video City Productions, titled simply "Devil", under their Chop 'Em Ups Video line-up is also extremely hard-to-find, easily more so than the Japanese cassette. Too good to be true?

Pretty damn much. It's not only a bootleg, but one hell of a bootleg. If such a copy fell into the hands of a novice, it's a good bet they'd probably not realize they've been had. I'm unsure even the seller knows for sure. The clarity and color of the properly sized and untrimmed cover sleeve is great, the tape has a full color face label, and the black plastic case matches "real" Japanese cases with a rounded spine. The black cassette even has a tan brown flap just the real deal. The color on the spine is faded, but as I've said before this issue is par the course with most Japanese ex-rentals, like postal markings on stamps.

So what gave it away? The quality of the cover's paper. Although that's not to say the paper is your average cheap copy paper. It's almost of the same standard, just a little more "waxy" looking compared to the usual flat glossy appearance of the real paper. It's difficult to see this without slipping the cover out of case and virtually impossible to tell from a picture online. Also if you really look hard, you can see some fine dotting around edges from a high DPI, but not professional, printer. Again, you literally have to place the cover within inches of your eyes to see the difference. That's the danger, many could easily be fooled if they found such quality fakes online.

At least a portion of these dubious tapes appear to be coming out of Japan, if the experience of one reputable eBay dealer is any measure. Ed McHale, a.k.a. terror-fantastic on eBay, relayed a story involving an assortment of tapes purchased from Yahoo Auctions Japan. After beginning to sell them through eBay, he realized all of them were deceivingly well crafted bootlegs, and promptly refunded the buyers of any from this particular lot. So buyer beware, I can only assume more high value Japanese tapes will show up as bootlegs online there and eBay. I'm not going to divulge the eBay seller I bought this from yet because I haven't contacted him about this tape. I'll update the comments section after that's settled and any findings upon actually watching the tape (probably tonight).

FAKE COVER

REAL COVER, from Backyard Asia's entry: THE DEVIL (Taiwan, 1981)

First thing done getting back on eBay after a few months?

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Grabbing a Betamax mate for my Embassy Escape from New York VHS, of course. It arrived today so now I have "matching" format clamshells for Carpenter's lean machine of apocalyptic kickassery and Humongous (detailed here for those for missed it).

You'll notice that instead of what many companies did, placing a Beta sticker over a VHS spine logo, Embassy had separate but otherwise identical covers that denoted each format. I included the Warner and Thorn EMI clams to show the "in-between" size of Embassy's cases. Because of their unique size, it's especially important to get the original case in decent shape.          

The Price to Enter the QuadeaD Zone?

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Here's an incredibly scarce tape that ended on eBay last week while creating a stir in collector circles. Chester N. Turner is primarily "known" to a small niche of obsessive trash aficionados for 1984's Black Devil Doll from Hell. Several years later, Turner unleashed his anthology, Tales from the Quadead Zone, in '87 onto an unsuspecting world and then simply vanished from the illustrious landscape of bargain basement genre filmmaking.

Both of his shot-on-video features are tremendously awful spectacles, but they're also strangely ahead of their time. As self-produced examples of African American Horror, Turner crafted both in a decade in which "black horror" was basically non-existent since blaxploitation's heyday and its belated resurrection with the excellent Tales from the Hood in 1995.

That doesn't save Turner's productions from unintentional, almost otherworldly hilarity. The real story here is how rare the tapes of these two are. Black Devil Doll... is quite rare, but Quadead Zone's tape is like finding an albino hermaphrodite quad-amputee who runs marathons on pirate peg legs.

Both were produced in small quantities by Turner and presumably distributed around rental joints in the filmmaker's area (like Tim Ritter's early projects), making them even harder-to-find. The price this go-around for what might be the rarest North American VHS after 36 bids? $660. The Thrifty Peanut and their $1.99 sticker never even knew what hit them...      

Zombie: Dawn of the Dead (ゾンビ) (1978) - 126 Minute Director's Cut - Victor Japan VHS

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Click on over to The Blood Sprayer to read about the near hell it was in finally receiving this awesome tape from the clutches of eBay...