When You're A Slave...

From the days of old, you know you'd just have to rent this...

Commando Squad (1987)

"No, I'm calling you a midget donkey fucker."

Directed Fred Olen Ray
90 Minutes / TransWorld Entertainment / Cropped from 1.85:1 to full screen

Kathy Shower as a member of an elite commando squad (hehe) sent into Mexico alone, by none-other-than Robert Quarry, to save Brian Thompson (crazy axe murderer-cultist from Cobra) from the cocaine druglords imprisoning him. Sketchy plot points of morbidly obese Mexican honcho dealings, bar catfighting set to cheesy generic hair metal, narration that suddenly halts midway into the running time, and Shower sporting a vintage raven-haired rat's nest atop her naturally blond head ensue.

For me, the saving grace in this rather middling relic is the casting of the baddies. William Smith spits out threatening one-liners in his usual gruff tone while sporting the casual tropic look. Sid Haig leisurely saunters about leaving a trail of greaseball slime (his death is also stupidly hilarious, you can hear Shower gasping thinking she had severely hurt him), and a tex-mex dressed Ross Hagen strapped with six-shooter as a character known simply as "Cowboy" just about keep the proceedings from the scrap heap.

Ms. Shower, Playboy's Playmate of the Year '86, proves to be more than competent in her slummy badass role. Her confidence and 'tude shine through as she saves Thompson's bitch ass, despite an odd and total lack of nudity in the film. Thompson isn't given much to do besides attempting two escapes and getting his teeth rocked by his captors. Yes, the action kinda sucks and I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone--yet it's perfectly innocuous '80s action backwash...and that's okay.

Film: 5/10
VHS Picture: 6/10
VHS Sound: 6/10

My Son, My Son, Another Herzog Horror Film

CHUD is reporting Herzog is nailing down the cast for his upcoming feature, My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done. I must admit based on that title, I'm at least half expecting something akin to a modern Oscar-grab Cronenberg film. Though the cast has several jewels, chiefly Kier, Dourif, and Cobbs.

Wouldn't this be great to end up as a existential European hypothesizer of yore that's transformed over the years into excuse to create a vacuum of pompous boredom. Though according to the IMDB, it's currently filming in Peru, so we not get the chilly atmosphere of say, Zulawski's Possession. Still, I'm more excited than the initial excitement I felt towards Argento's Three Mothers conclusion. Speaking of Argento, his upcoming Giallo just sounds like he's trying to ape his seemingly lost greatness.

The eBay fairies strike again

Just won my first Japanese pre-record, Columbia's edition of Gianfranco Giangni's 1988 Spider's Labyrinth, from eBay. This has been one I've been pining after for awhile, but the battle for such Japanese VHS is usually very intense and prices after multiple bids of $50+ aren't uncommon. Amazingly, no one else even bid and it came in at $12.99...! Never seen the film, but it's one that seems to garner much praise.

"The best supernatural oriented Italian horror film since Argento's INFERNO, a film whose intriguing stylistic bravura stands with the best of Bava, Avati, Fulci and Freda, in the higher echelon of Italian shock cinema."- EYEBALL MAGAZINE (1990)

Swap Meet Finds

VHS:

Tightrope (1984) (Warner clamshell)
La Garce (1984) (as far as I tell this is a French thriller, on a VHS from France)
The Last Witness (198?) (I can't find any of the actors or makers on the IMDB)
Nightflyers (1987)
NIN: Closure (missing the clear plastic sleeve, but it was $1)
Blood Bride (1980) (gotta love Magnum's oversized clamshells)
Invisible Stranger (1976)
Commando Squad (1987) (horrible yet great craptastic action flick)
Kill Castro (Cuba Crossing) (1980)
Battle Force (Il Grande attacco) (1978)
Ring of Death (Un dectective) (1969)
The Deadly Intruder (1985)
Halloween (second home video release)
Dream No Evil (factory sealed Active Home Video VHS, whoop ass cover)
Classic Creatures: Return of the Jedi (1983)
The Final Terror (1983)

Silent Madness (1984)

Directed by Simon Nuchtern
93 Minutes / Media Entertainment / Cropped from 2.35:1 to full screen.

A homicidal nutter is mistakenly released from an institution and a resident psychiatrist (Belinda Montgomery) seems to the only one with any concern. The maniac travels north to his old "stomping" ground to resume the young girl flesh terror. On one of her hunches, the psychiatrist fakes being an ex-sorority sister in the hopes the missing patient will re-surface around a college he marked forever decades past. When he inevitably does, the good doctor finds that he isn't the only thing she has to worry about.

A very good slasher in need of rediscovery. Montgomery is a strong female lead and the rest of the cast holds their end up well. Inventive kills including axings, impalements, and head crushing all done by a believable mute psycho. There are a few dull moments, but I must say that I liked this more than My Bloody Valentine. Seek this one out before they remake it...?

A few notes about the VHS. It's terribly cropped. You can tell Nuchtern really used the entire 2.35:1 frame, as there are many instances of half faces and actors speaking to unseen others off screen. Simply awful, but the film is solid enough to endure this, especially if you're a slasher fanatic. Also the film was theatrically exhibited in 3-D and even though the VHS is "normalized" in 2-D, some shots still exibit slight bluish hues around edges of things on-screen.

Film: 7/10 (a good DVD with proper framing will awaken a new appreciation)
VHS Picture: 2/10
VHS Sound: 7/10

More of Cameron Mitchell's Personal Hell

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The Nightmare Never Ends arrived today, the clamshell case is cracked on the inside, but the cover and cassette are like new. Like most early tapes, the back synopsis is long and full of platitudes, great stuff.

The Demon (1979)

Directed by Percival Rubens
94 Minutes / VCI Home Video / Unmatted Full Frame

This film feels like three nearly independent stories:

a) After a vicious home invasion and kidnapping of a young girl, an older couple enlist the help of a "white collar" mystic (Cameron Mitchell) to aid in the search and recovery of their missing daughter.

b) An absolutely beautiful young woman (Zoli Marki) dates a rich JFK Jr.-esqe playboy.

c) Her friend, a nursery school teacher, is gingerly stalked by the man who kidnapped the young girl Mitchell is seeking....until things get serious.

I should add that we're also treated to quite a number of unexplained shots of the ocean breaking against rocks along the shore. Storyline A isn't connected to the other two, and essentially seems like an excuse to include Mitchell (the "name") in the film. Though B and C are just barely related.

I'm not going to bust on the film too much, since quite honestly what's here isn't bad. The root problem is from what I stated above. Everything pretty much makes sense, but is far too disconnected within itself to make any sense overall. The ending mimics Halloween's dark house stalk, with the exception of the Strode-like character topless in panties doing a sudden MacGyver in a bathroom (after running around the house screaming her perky nipples off for twenty minutes) to finally vanquish the man/demon/demon man wearing a man-mask with stubby bladed gloves and a flare for plastic bag suffocation.

Film: 4/10 (non-existent "makes sense" version: potential 6/10)
VHS Picture: 3/10 (rather smeary)
VHS Sound: 5/10

Swap Meet Finds

VHS:

Premonition (1972) (Active Home Video)
Power Play (1978)
The Swiss Conspiracy (1976)
Offerings (1989)
An Indecent Obsession (1985)
City Limits (1985)
The Demon (1979)
Sudden Death (1985)
Living to Die (1990)
Borderline (1980)
American Nightmare (1983)

Vengeance (1980)

Directed by Bob Blizz
92 Minutes / Magnum Entertainment / Unmatted Full Frame

After a botched jewelry robbery, four thugs escape the scene with two hostages. Seeking refuge in a cabin in the woods, they discover the woman they're holding comes from a wealthy family. Eventually she and the other male hostage manage to flee in a truck, but the thugs take chase and force them to abandon the vehicle. The two will now have to find a way through the wilderness while avoiding their encroaching armed predators.

A first and only time director, writer, and actors (well, most of them) decide to make an exploitation flick--and it is good. We get stabbings, shootings, bloody squibs, brutal throat slashings, and uncomfortable girl knife teasing all to a laid back yet gloomy '70s fuzzy guitar moog score. The direction isn't anything special, but it gets the job done. The acting is also surprising, with the viewer rooting for those bastard thugs to meet horrid ends. Awesome, definitely a must-see/have and it's a shame this one languishes on VHS, despite the awesome clamshell case. It would be prime Blue Underground material.

Film: 8/10
VHS Picture: 5/10 (though the night scenes are comprised of only dots of light)
VHS Sound: 3/10 (humming right along)

British Soldier Disembowelment in 1080p

According to High Def Digest, Neil Marshall's Dog Soldiers will be debuting on Blu-ray May 5th from First Look. Good to hear since the film seems to have already been kicked around a lot by U.S. DVD distributors, but First Look's glitchy Blu-ray track record is worrisome.

Night of the Scarecrow (1995)

Directed by Jeff Burr
90 Minutes / Republic Pictures VHS / Unmatted Full Frame

Enjoyable yarn about a scarecrow resurrected to find an ancient book to make him flesh once again. The body count rises as his search continues and only a local couple can halt his reign of sickle-induced terror.

Well paced and acted even if a bit formulaic. Of course, this stuff isn't exactly original in the first place. A decent amount of blood, inventive kills, and a not-that-scary-but-good-looking scarecrow hold interest. Stephen Root, Bruce Glover, and John Hawkes show up in minor roles as well. Keep your eye out for this one.

Film 6.5/10
VHS Picture: 7/10
VHS Sound: 7/10

The Second Prize Is Death!

Fatal Games and Rest in Pieces (Descanse en piezas) acquired for $38 less than Amazon's cheapest prices. Pays to check eBay often...

When the VHS wins...

The Canadian DVD of 1987's Blood Rage (re-titled Nightmare at Shadow Woods) has noticeable cuts to violence compared to the Prism VHS.

The Paragon VHS of Just Before Dawn has bits of violence that are missing from Shriek Show's DVD.

The Gorgon/MPI VHS of Deathdream has a little sequence cut from Blue Underground's DVD due to print damage. Though the scene is included as an extra on the DVD.

The Unicorn Video VHS of Warlock Moon has ten minutes of additional footage not found on the Shriek Show DVD.

The Simitar VHS of Skinner is unrated, their DVD is the cut R-Rated version.

The Media VHS of Sleepaway Camp is uncut, the Anchor Bay DVD is missing bits of footage.

The USA Entertainment VHS of Ms. 45 is uncut, while the Image DVD has edits to the rape scenes.

The various Thorn EMI/HBO VHS editions of Return of the Living Dead retain the original audio mix and soundtrack compared to MGM's DVDs. O'Bannon made quite a number of such alterations to the DVDs.

The Lorimar VHS of Return of the Living Dead Part 2 retains the film's original score compared to Warner's DVD which has a completely replaced score.

The Media and Elite/Anchor Bay VHS editions of A Nightmare on Elm Street feature the uncut version of Tina's death compared to New Line's DVDs. Also the 2-VHS edition has deleted scenes as an extra yet to make it to any DVD as an extra.

The Media VHS of A Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 5 is unrated compared to the R-Rated New Line DVDs.

The Paramount VHS of Friday the 13: The Final Chapter has a few audio queues missing from the Paramount DVDs.

The Thorn EMI/HBO VHS releases of The Evil Dead include a scene where lightning strikes a tree cut from all DVD releases. Also the color temperature of the entire film is more bluish-green compared to the marked reddish look of the DVDs.

Demented (1980)

Directed by Arthur Jeffreys / Alex Rebar
92 Minutes / MEDIA Entertainment / Unmatted Full Frame

Relatively forgotten rape-revenge flick centering around a woman who, after a brutal gang rape, starts to have visions upon returning to the normalcy of her life and ultimately goes...demented!

This one wastes no time as within the first three minutes the initial rape occurs. Afterward we flash forward a bit and learn the rapists are serving time with Linda (the boobie-equipped Sallee Young) traveling home with her husband (porn star Harry Reems?!?). Then the viewer mauling of over fifty minutes of exposition settles in. During that time, Mr. Reems proves to be the best actor in the film and Young sounds like a 12-year-old girl's impersonation of a mouse. Also casual rape jokes are ace, man! The climatic meltdown isn't quite worth the wait, but Young's performance noticeably improves as a cleaver-welding seductress. Wish that would have occurred more towards the halfway point with much more blood. What we end up with is a so-so straddle of reeeeeeaaallll average.

Best off listening to David Hess commanding to "piss your pants" once more.

Film: 4.5/10
VHS Picture: 5/10 (good considering the tape is quite old)
VHS Sound: 3/10 (gotta love thahissssssssssssssssssssssssssssss)

The Horror Show (1989)

Directed by James Isaac / David Blyth (uncredited)
95 Minutes / MGM Home Video / Unmatted Full Frame

Lance Henrikson as a detective (Lucas) stalked by the ghost(?) of notorious cleaver murderer (Max Jenke played by Brion James) he sent to the chair. The murderer somehow returns to life through electricity (sound familiar?) and sets his aim on his family. Max begins to manifest to Lucas within his own house, leading him to stab a turkey and shoot a television. When his daugther's boyfriend is found hacked up in the basement; Lucas lands in police custody. Lucas now knows what he must do realizing this is the best time for Max to seek his revenge.

This film has some crippling problems. Henrikson and James are dependable as their usual badass personas. The rest of the cast are just standard stereotypes. You can tell the violence suffered significant cuts. One example is when Max "magically" attempts to rip out of Lucas' chest from within. Henrikson is seen obivously standing behind an effects piece of his gashed torso like something crazy is about to happen, but then he suddenly stumbles out of the room. Even some kill shots look zoomed in to avoid witnessing what would undoubtedly scar the minds of little boys and girls everywhere if the MPAA didn't save them. Beyond that, the conclusion is very jumbled. Locations mysteriously shift, characters die and later appear alive with no reason, and the nature of Max's being simply doesn't make sense. It's another for the "watch once" pile, more akin to an mildly interesting failure.

Still one question remains: Max Jenke vs. Horace Pinker?

Film: 4.5/10
VHS Video: 6/10 (noisy, but not bad)
VHS Sound: 7/10 (clean and clear Hi-fi)

The Perils of Rentals of Unknown Origin

Just now halfway through an old tape of 1989's The Horror Show, my VCR made a sudden strange "clipping" noise and the picture immediately turned to rolling snow. Angrily I figured "Oh shit, there goes a video head, it's ruined."

But after cracking the case open and wiping the drum horizontally with a brand new horsehair make-up brush gently--all is well. That's the bitch about old rentals; a fleck of dirt in the wrong place at the right time can throw the tiny defenseless video heads for a loop...or at worst shatter them.

I was enjoying the movie (always good to see Henriksen in a lead role); however, I'm too frightened to pop it back in.