Haunted Hayride, and I'm the ideas guy.

.look ma, no cavities.

I was approached last week by my boss about a first ever giant Halloween bash at work coming up on October 24th. I work at a country club and apparently our new general manager is a big fan of the holiday. Along with a festivities at the clubhouse, he wants the greenskeepers to stage a haunted hayride which he doesn't want to be "a waste of money."

Hooray, since my superintendent knows I'm the "horror guy", he's enlisted me to come up with ideas to scare the crap out of nine-year-olds. Of course, we'll have the required chainsaws blazing in darkness along a wooded road along the inside nine, but my primary concern rests with two showcase "skits" to be set up in the bays of our large equipment facility. Here's my skit ideas, which aren't that original if you know your horror, but my bosses are eating these up.


The first bay will feature two (or three) zombies on leashes chained to a board behind them since several of my co-workers are adamant about being zombies. There's a big sign reading "WHACK-A-ZOMBIE" above and we give the kids tomatoes to heave at the reluctant undead. Handlers with metal "cattle prods" will yell and poke the zombies to react. Naturally, the zombies get more-and-more pissed, rip their leashes off, and attack the humans. Blood-filled condoms taped to the shoulders of the "humans" provide even more shock as their attackers rip into them. Might even stage an "entrails legs dragging" a la Day of the Dead at the conclusion to cap it off.


The second bay will be my baby and will work as my ode to Last House on Dead Street. The scene will be a slightly angled mattress with a victim displayed as exactly as I can get away with from the film's bed slaughter sequence. You know, blood, ship rope, and stark white linens. Padded holes will be made in the mattress to mimic freshly hacksaw amputated limbs. A table of bloodied hammers, saws, sledges, and other implements of death will be at the foot of the bed. Also a bloody stack of VHS clamshells with names of random people written on their spines. A powerful light will be positioned at the back of the mattress to illuminate out from the sides. I will dress up just like Roger Watkins as a bloody version of Terry Hawkins. The skit will start with me filming (with my Bell & Howell 1230 Super 8 camera) the victim tied to the bed and I'll scream for her to wake up because she "ruining the shot". She'll start screaming and I'll stuff a sock into her mouth and begin addressing my audience about her dying to be in my movie. Maniacal laughing. Then I'll provide them with a "live demonstration" where I'll hacksaw into her right leg, a blood condom packed tube, which will make a nice blood explosion erupt under the white sheets. As she's screaming through the sock I'll pause and say "Wow, I should have filmed that!" I'll then pull a fake severed leg from the sheets which I'll attached some nasty meaty sinew to and run up to the audience with it waving while screaming about that being "a cut" as the ride moves on.

Yes, indeed. I have it all plotted out in my head. I have to "present" these ideas to the super this coming week in a meeting to plot out exactly what we're going to do and what we need (we'll have a budget of some sort). Others will be providing their ideas for what we do out on the course, but I hope to have these skits locked in at that meeting. Wish me luck!
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