Spine (1986)

Directed by John Howard / Justin Simmonds
72 Minutes / Substance DVD (grey market) / 1.33:1 Full Frame

An aviator sunglass-wearin' lunatic looking as if pulled straight from 1974 strangles and slices up the backs (get it? "spine") fashionably '80s chicks in the vicinity of a hospital while a couple of detectives that appear more like dried up barflies two years from death by lifelong alcohol abuse try to catch him. The "story" ends up circling around the receptionist of the hospital and her newfound non-sexual live-in girlfriend prowled by the killer...sorta.

crackwhore wake up call / that hippie asshole on the right is your cop, no really

Tom Noonan or Bill Moseley? Neither. / Bloodiest shot right there

That sounds like it has at least a little potential, but in reality holy shit does this suck, despite being extremely rare in VHS form. This shot-on-video feature takes the old notion of "a killer killing while the feds pace around hunting" and literally acts it out as intercut sequences on-screen. Of course, to only increase the tedium amidst overlong dialogue and filler, the killings are shown off-screen and the bloodiest the film gets is about a half a cup of dyed Karo syrup slung about. I'll even kinda spoil the ending for ya in which the most sonofabitchin' frustrating plot device is deployed for your displeasure--the "it was all a dream" cop-out conclusion. I'd feel bad if this trash was included in one of those cheapie 5-Movie sets, let alone if I paid $200+ for the tape. I'm sore over the $15 for this DVD. Please, if you only just trust me this one time, avoid this not even unintentionally funny waste of time at all costs.

If you're somehow still interested, Substance's disc doesn't look bad at all, either sourced from an extremely clean VHS or tape master.


DVD Picture: 5/10
DVD Sound: 4/10